I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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