Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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