I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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