True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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