I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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