My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
