I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
