I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Fuck appropriateness.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
