if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
