You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
