i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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