you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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