Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
