I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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