It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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