I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I wish there were birth control emojis
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
