She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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