Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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