I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
