Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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