I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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