Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
