So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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