Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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