I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
