last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
