party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
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I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
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The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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