I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
