I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
