I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
