I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
