My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
