There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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