would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
