Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
