I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
