Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
