So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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