opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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