No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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