mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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