Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
