I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
