just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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