Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
