I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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