Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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