Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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