i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
