I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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