No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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