I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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