dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
