So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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