I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think I just sharted jello shots
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