Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
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I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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