another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
