I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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