I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
