Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
