I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
well you can't waste a boner
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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