hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize