How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
