you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
